


Horatio, Mr. Simmons, and The Song of Tranquility

by LovelyLadiiZ



Series: Horatio's Lab of Coolness [2]
Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 05:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/883575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLadiiZ/pseuds/LovelyLadiiZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horatio welcomes Walter to his team. H is convinced he's never seen Walter before. Every time Walter tries to tell H he's been on nightshift for years, a certain song causes H to break into dance mode. Sequel to Horatio, Wolfeboy, and the Lab of Coolness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horatio, Mr. Simmons, and The Song of Tranquility

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second installment of the parody, "Horatio, Wolfeboy, and the Lab of Coolness." I may consider doing more as hinted by the word "saga" in the summary of the first story. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

**8:00 am, Miami-Dade Crime Lab, Second Floor**

Walter rushes into the break room to see the dayshift CSIs playing cards. "Does anyone know where I can find Horatio?" He questions madly.

"Hey, Walter, right?" Eric says. Walter nods fervidly. "Yeah, he's in his office. Why, what's wrong?"

"He distinctly told me to be here at 7:58, and I'm already 2 minutes late! He told me there would be dire consequences to pay if I came any later than 7:58!" Walter cries.

The CSIs break into laughter.

"R'lax, Walter," Calleigh responds. "Horatio always says that."

Walter breathes a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, but whatever you do, don't let him sucker you into bowing to the _Shades of Coolness_ ," Delko says with a chuckle.

"T-the…the shades of coolness?" Ryan abruptly screams, a look of pure terror on his face. He slinks from his chair and slides underneath the table, rolling into a fetal position. "Where? They're here? Get them away!"

"Eric, see what you've done? I told you, don't mention anything with the word C-O-O-L-N-E-S-S," Calleigh says. She crawls underneath the table and pulls her coworker up. "It's okay, Ryan, they're not here. They can't hurt you."

Walter frowns. "Uh…what's wrong with him?"

Eric says, "He had a bad experience with the shades of coo…er, I mean…C-O-O-L-N-E-S-S."

"You're…kidding right?" Walter says as he breaks into a convulsive laughter.

A deathly silence fills the room, with the exception of Walter chortling. Frowning, Walter turns around to see his new boss staring back at him.

Walter clears his throat. "Sir, I'm ready for my first day."

Horatio draws his head back, moving his hands to his hips. He looks Walter up and down.

"Yes…Mr. Simmons. I've been expecting you. You were to arrive two minutes ago for your tour of the lab."

"Tour? Uh, Horatio, I don't need a tour. I've been working on grave shift for yea—"

Horatio suddenly ducks, as the sound of music is heard. He runs across the room and hops on the counter, swishing his hips seductively as he sings along with the music.

"I like to move it, move it,

I like to move it, move it,

I like to move it, move it,

You like to…"

Horatio points to his team who shake their heads and unenthusiastically chorus, "Move it."

Walter frowns as the music unexpectedly stops, and Horatio jumps down.

"Uh…what was that?" he asks anyone.

"Yeah, he does that," Delko responds. "He always makes us sing along to that dumb song whenever it starts playing."

"A-HEM ," Horatio says, "I have told you time and time again, that is not a dumb song. It is the _Song of Tranquility_."

Walter stares perplexed. "The…Song of Tranquility?"

"Yes, Mr. Simmons. Do we have a problem?"

Walter cocks an eyebrow, then shakes his head. "No, sir. But what I was trying to tell you is that I'm not new, I—"

The music starts again, and Horatio runs in circles.

"I like to move it, move it,

I like to move it, move it

I like to move it, move it,

You like to…"

Horatio points to Walter, who says nothing. Horatio stops dancing and runs to seize Walter by his collar.

The music ends again as H says, "What is your problem? You must _RESPOND_ to the _Song of Tranquility_!"

"Horatio, leave 'em alone," Ryan says, "He's just a newbie."

"I'm _not_ a newbie! I worked on grave shi—"

Horatio suddenly drops to the floor as the song begins again, break dancing. As he spins around on the floor, he screams,

"I like to move it, move it,

I like to move it, move it

I like to move it, move it,

You like to…"

"Move it," the CSIs respond listlessly. The music stops a third time and Horatio hops up.

"Mr. Simmons," he says in a suddenly serious tone, "I didn't hear you."

Walter puts up a finger as he looks around. "Say, where is that music coming from, anyways?"

"Do not question the whereabouts of the _Song of Tranquility_ ," Horatio replies. "It's not cool."

"It's not cool?" Walter repeats. "What do you mean it's not cool?"

The CSIs groan in protest.

"Why did you have to ask that?" Calleigh mumbles.

Horatio is the only one in the room who seems delighted. "How about I show you?"

"Show me what?" Walter asks.

"The lab of co—"

"Don't say it, Horatio," Calleigh warns. "Remember Ryan can't handle it when you say those words."

Walter frowns. "You mean the Lab of Coolness?"

Ryan's eyes bulge and he shoots from his chair like a rocket. "C-c-co…COOLNESS? T-the...empresses…the, the kings…shades of COOLNESS!"

Calleigh takes his hand. "Ryan, it's okay." She pulls him down and cradles his head in her arms. Ryan begins to suck his thumb.

"No coolness?" he asks.

"No, Ryan," Calleigh replies.

Music begins to blare throughout the lab once again. Horatio jumps up and down and waves his arms around, doing his own rendition of _The Monkey_ , singing,

"I like to move it, move it,

I like to move it, move it

I like to move it, move it,

You like to…"

"Move it…" Everyone but Walter replies.

The music stops, and Walter lolls his head to the side.

"Are you guys all nuts?"

"Not all of us," Ryan responds, glancing over to Horatio.

"I heard that," H snaps. "Don't get mad at me if you can handle the _Song of Tranquility_ in all its mighty coolness."

"COOLNESS?" Ryan cries and bolts for the door. "No coolness, no! NO COOLNESS, NO!"

"Ryan come back!" Calleigh shouted. "See, Horatio, look what you did! When I get back you'd better apologize or I'm taking away your Hummer again!"

"What? No! My baby! POOR SELINA YALIS CAN'T SURVIVEEE WITHOUT MY LOVEEE!"

"Relax, H," Delko says, "Just apologize to Ryan when he gets back."

"For what?" Horatio spits venomously. "It's not my fault if Ryan isn't cool enough to handle my coolness."

"COOLNESS!" Ryan shouts from another part of the lab. Eric glares coldly at Horatio, who shrugs.

Walter is apparently annoyed. "All of you guys are insane!" he says. "Ryan is afraid of the word coolness—"

"NO COOLNESS, NO!"

Walter huffs a breath and continues, "And Horatio keeps dancing to that STUPID song that comes from NOWHERE!"

"That wasn't nice, Walter," Horatio responds. "As a newbie, you should not down your new team members."

"I'm _not_ new!" Walter shouts. "I've been on the night shift for—"

Once again, the song begins playing. Horatio moonwalks while bobbing his head.

"I like to move it, move it,

I like to move it, move it

I like to move it, move it,

You like to…"

Eric sighs. "Move it."

The music continues, as does Horatio;

"Woman ya cute, and you don't need no make up,  
Original cute body you a mek man mud up  
Woman ya cute, and you don't need no make up,  
Original cute body you a mek man mud up

Woman!

Physically fit, physically fit,  
Physically, physically, physically fit,

Woman!

Physically fit, physically fit,  
Physically, physically, physically fit…"

The music abruptly stops. Horatio clears his throat and smoothes his shirt.

"As I was saying, Mr. Simmons, that was not cool. As a rookie, you shall beg your forgiveness to become a part of the CSI team again."

"For the last time, I am NOT A ROOKIE!" Walter exclaims. "I have been working here for—"

The music begins again, and Walter throws his hands up in resignation.

"That's IT! I'm going back to night shift!"

He storms out of the break room, leaving for the elevator. Horatio doesn't notice as drops to the floor, doing the worm as he sings,

"Woman! ya nice, sweet, fantastic,  
Big ship on de ocean that a big titanic  
Woman! ya nice, sweet, energetic,  
Big ship on de ocean that a big titanic

I like to move it, move it,

I like to move it, move it

I like to move it, move it,

You like to…"

"Move it," the CSIs say one last time.


End file.
